Resurrecting Civility

Part of the appeal of old movies, and old television shows for that matter, is the enjoyment of watching how people behaved. Courtesy and manners played an important role in day to day encounters with others in the world, and I wonder where we would be as a society today if those little actions of civility had not fallen by the wayside.

This observation falls in many levels: how we dress, what we say (and how we say it), how we treat "our elders," and even how men and women treat each other.

Many people in my age group grew up on reruns of I Love Lucy and Leave it to Beaver, and how fun was it to make snide comments about June Cleaver doing housework wearing a pearl necklace, or Eddie Haskell's over the top manners when talking with adults? How often did I ridicule Lucy as she fretted and worried about what Ricky would do when he discovered her overspending her "allowance?"

There were many times as I watched these movies and shows that I wondered why people changed their clothes so often, and why there were house-clothes, shopping clothes and evening attire. In the movies of the 1940s in particular, hats, gloves and shoes always matched the dress or suit and goodness knows one wouldn't want to be seen in public (even going shopping) wearing jeans or work clothes. As a child it seemed to me that people changed their clothes way too often, with no apparent reason, unless it was some status thing or just showing off. But even that did not make sense, really, because the idea of changing clothes depending on what one was doing was not particular to any class on the social ladder. Lower and middle class people had their "Sunday-Go-To-Meeting" attire, their work clothes; children had play clothes, and it was a matter of pride to be able to be seen in a new outfit (even if it was "new to you").

Then came the 1960s. Gone went hats and gloves. Gone went personal appearance. Men (and women) cast aside suits and dress clothes even while attending sporting events -- replacing them with shorts, sandals, sneakers. and the like. Girls and women began wearing pants not only when doing physical work, but they didn't even bother to change clothes to go shopping, visit friends or even go to church. Heck, I distinctly remember tagging along to the grocery store with my Mom and running into her friends who had covered their curler imprisoned hair with scarves -- which obviously did not do its job if I could see the pink rollers popping out from undercover!

The "pleases and thank yous", the "yes, Sirs,"  the asking to be excused from the dinner table -- all of those little nuances of courtesy and manners which were very much a part of daily life were tossed out to be replaced by the abrupt "Huh?" or "Yeah" whether you were a parent, teacher or your peers; not to mention just bolting from a family dinner table (if the family even ate at a table and not in front of the television) without even so much as a "thanks."

The only reasons I can think as to why this happened may be because that by not using them, it showed that we (as a society) were not bound by those actions that might reflect a difference in class or status.  It could also be that parents of the next generation were too busy (or lazy) to instill these small measures of etiquette into their children. Succeeding generations, not having the benefit of such schooling, have no clue what it means to have manners. The unfortunate thing is that in discarding manners we have also discarded the very thing that held us together: a sense of mutual respect.

Think about it. How often are we affronted when someone pushes ahead of us in line, be it at a store, at a business or an event? How many quarrels and outright fights break out because someone grabbed that electronic device, computer game or even a sweater on the discount rack even though we "clearly" had possession of said item? Worse yet, how many times are we personally disgusted when we happen to see someone cramming a Big Mac in their mouth in an attempt to consume it before the traffic light changes and they have to drive on...or getting that last slurp through a straw when there is absolutely nothing but air and ice left in the cup? What is worse is that this seems to be the norm in society and I am more and more convinced that this is not for the better. Who really cares who I hurt as long as I get that 100-inch TV before that guy? What does it matter if I look and sound like a barnyard animal while eating?

I attended a bridal shower a few months ago, and most recently a baby shower (not for the same couple). It amazed me to see the other guests in attendance wearing jeans, tee shirts, sweat pants and sweatshirts. Again, I was appalled. June Cleaver, Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz I am certain would share my reaction. Would they show up for Bridge Club or a school event with their hair tied up in a scarf, in the very clothes they wore while vacuuming or cleaning windows or washing dishes? Perish the thought! It was a matter of pride, sure, that they appear in public dressed and behaving beyond reproach (or arrest), but it also a reflection of how much they respected where they were going and who they would be seeing.

The very nice ladies who opened their homes for the bridal and baby showers spent a great deal of time and effort in decorating the venue, providing wonderful refreshments and entertainment for the guest of honor as well as those in attendance. At the very least, should we not show some small amount of respect for them by going to a little effort to dress better than if we were prepared to clean the toilet? I certainly think so, and, while still a struggle, I have made sure that Jeannine is learning this as well.

For my part, I think this is why I enjoy old movies. In them I can be transported to a time and place where respect for others began and ended with civility whether expressed in words or actions. The most despicable character in a movie or TV show (think Eddie Haskell) still shows the value of courtesy in spite of the viewer's overwhelming desire smack him.

So what it is worth: I am going to continue to be aware of opportunities to show respect for my family, friends and colleagues by using courtesy and manners in my daily activities. I will respect those who come to my home on social occasions by not only putting effort into seeing to their enjoyment of the atmosphere, but also let them know that I appreciate them as gracious and valued people by showing them proper respect in my own attire and manners. I guess I now have to figure out a way to get Jeannine on board.....maybe we'll start by watching some old movies.

Downton Abbey and Real Life

I have to admit that one of the largest deficits in my knowledge and understanding of world history and historical events is the early 20th century. Apart from the basic facts related to when wars started (and ended) and some of the people who shaped the events of the times, I really did not have an understanding of what life was like. This is really quite funny because my own grandparents were born and lived through the early years of the 20th century; my parents were young adults through the World War II years and beyond. You would think from hearing their stories that I would have a strong grasp on the life and times of the 20th century. Not really.

Being one of the countless viewers of Downton Abbey, I have appreciated the attention to historic detail in the writing, but more importantly in the overall look and feel of the times. I am not talking about fashion and furniture and outward appearance; what is impressive to me is that they have created something that gets to the heart of those who lived at the time. I never really considered the fact that these times were one of great upheaval in the social order, and I applaud those behind the scenes who have given viewers some real food for thought.

Downton Abbey has been a window into a not-so-distant past, a place where I believe humans at all levels on the social spectrum took great pride in their state in life. The Crawley family is of particular interest to me, not so much because they lived on a grand estate and have the "luxuries of life," but because as landowners they knew and understood the role they filled in society: Lord Grantham expressed it quite clearly that he/they are only the custodians of the land and responsible for keeping the community a thriving place. Many, many lives are impacted by decisions he/they make -- both in and on the estate but in the village as well, and he took this responsibility seriously.

Understanding this perspective I think has been lost in our times amid the sound and fury of those who believe that the world is made up of the "haves and have nots," and that somehow there exists an oppression of one class over another. The irony is that from the characters developed in the fictional Downton Abbey, I never recall anything other than civility and compassion from the Crawley family. Why else, for example, did Lord Grantham feel the stress from his near-mismanagement of the estate? He knew that he needed to make changes or else the tenant-owners of the land suffer; businesses in the village, dependent on the financial support from the estate and estate owners, suffer. Those who work in the household suffer job insecurity at the least and job loss at the worst (think of the Mosely character or even Barrow).

The fascination I find is that those characters who want to push the progressive ideas of a more fluid movement between social classes (and even roles between the sexes) are the very characters I find most disagreeable. Isobel Crawley, who comes into the family as a result of the social system she despises, irritates me most. The school teacher, too, who works with Daisy to help her learn reading and math, comes across as contentious and unyielding in her beliefs; her lack of understanding is clearly shown in her incredulous surprise in meeting Lady Grantham (she wasn't what she thought she would be), as well as in her discourteous attack on Lord Grantham at his dinner table. Whether or not this is contrived by the writers, I don't know; they certainly are not the most sympathetic characters in the story. I think these characters who seek to replace an ordered system of simplicity, courtesy and respect with a system that pits class against class in an ongoing struggle where no one seems really happy and content come across as the saddest.

I suppose that the best example of conflict with this change is Tom Branson. Growing up in the revolutionary political environment in Ireland, his preconceived ideas about the Crawley family causes no end of struggle because what he sees and experiences as a member of the family has run in direct opposition to the ideas he learned before he married into the family. He finds himself not comfortable in either social environment; so he leaves for the open and progressive world of the United States, where individualism and a strong work ethic enables a person to make their dreams into reality. Being in the United States, he might find that acceptance and comfortability he somehow cannot experience in England. It will be interesting to see if the writers bring any conclusion to his story or if they just decide that writing him out of the story is sufficient. For my part I hope that there is a clear resolution to his story. It will validate or invalidate the idea that the progressive upheaval was worth it.

So for what it is worth, I am looking forward in some respects to the end of Downton Abbey. As the series has not yet concluded, I am still in the dark about where the writers are going to take the principle characters, but I am grateful for the glimpse into life in early 20th century; in many ways this explains much about what I have seen and lived growing up in the mid-to-late 20th century.

Keeping Commitments

A little more than a year ago I started this blog with the stated goal to help me grow into a braver, more purposeful person. I also wanted to see if I could follow a dream I held in secret for most of my life: I really wanted to write and to see my writing published. I wanted to give voice to something that I believed was in me to do, but I wasn't sure what that would look like. The funny thing is that I did not see myself as a novel or short story writer, but I didn't want to limit myself to the occasional "letter to the editor" which most times were never published. Finding a niche was problematic until the advent of "the blog." Blogging was the answer: I can write and publish from the comfort and ease of my computer....except for one slight hitch.

The reality is that even writing takes effort, and those who know me well know that I never actively attempted to do anything big with purpose or direction, and certainly not anything which would require commitment. That is not to say that I did not accomplish or commit to anything; it is just that those accomplishments were more or less going to happen as a result of passing time. I went to college and graduated. I married and raised children. I have helped manage my husband's medical practice.

For me, though, these things are more a result of time moving on and their success is fully because of the grace of God. I, for all intents and purposes, never believed that I made any active effort to secure these successes or endured the setbacks: I genuinely believed that whatever happened, for good or ill, had been merely a matter of happenstance (not happenstance, I believe there are real reasons why things happen the way they do, and the Good Lord is the Author of all things, after all).

I digress. Full of focus and energy, with an unseen reading audience (no editor), I started the blog at the end of 2014. I promised myself that I would blog once a week. How difficult could that be? I have a blank computer screen and a head full of ideas. Putting out a blog entry once a week should be easy. Once a week. No problem.

Well that promise lasted as long as fresh kill among a pride of lions in the jungle. I neglected to consider that I was dealing with myself and there are certain hurdles (detailed above) to overcome.

So then I promised myself that I would blog twice a month (this promise, mind you, came in January 2015). My commitment dwindled yet again, and in February it went to once a month. I was able to keep that up through March. As pathetic as this has been to accept, I am not willing to give up. I asked myself what happened and the answer was surprisingly simple.

Bailing on the blog has not been for lack of subject matter, interest, or time. My life is rife with all sorts of topics that would be nice blog entries; I still want to pursue this sideline -- I need to pursue it; so it must be time.

Even that isn't accurate. If I want to intellectually honest about it, I do spend a great deal of time spinning my wheels. Ten months have passed since I last posted a blog and we are now in the double digits of January. I think about writing every day....I start blogs while I am driving, waiting for an appointment, brushing my teeth...I occasionally start blogs while I am falling asleep each night...the problem is they all stay in my head (or not) and never make it to the keyboard. Why? I am organized. I can get things done. I create to-do lists and check stuff off all the time. The problem is writing is never on the list. Ahhh....progress! Step 1: put this on the list.

It is more than just adding it to my to-do list: it boils down to habit and discipline. Throw mindfulness in there as well. The purpose and commitment I have made to better health and wellness, and the lessons I have learned to embrace the habits of health need to spread to my writing. If I can train myself to do little things that will move my writing and publishing forward in the same way that I approach my health and improving the health of those people I coach, I will make strides this year. Step 2: be mindful of opportunities for writing, even if it is only writing down ideas or life events that would be great blog entries.

This may be easier said than done as I find that as busy as my days can be, I still manage to find time to spend on the things that don't matter; well, it isn't that they don't matter...my family is better off with clean underwear after all...it is just that laundry is not the "one thing" that by doing will make all other things I have to do easier, and, like writing, it is not on the list. Step 3: No roadblocks! No sidetracking! Yes, and don't bother putting laundry on the list as it is apparently getting done without being there.

So for what it is worth, I am determined that 2016 will be a more productive writing year. The steps to which I have committed (now in writing) are purposeful; they are intentional; they even will make me a braver person because it takes courage for me to publicly commit to these resolves. How do I know I will make strides? I am certain of being more productive this year because in addition to my identified steps, Jeannine has said she will remind me.