Resurrecting Civility

Part of the appeal of old movies, and old television shows for that matter, is the enjoyment of watching how people behaved. Courtesy and manners played an important role in day to day encounters with others in the world, and I wonder where we would be as a society today if those little actions of civility had not fallen by the wayside.

This observation falls in many levels: how we dress, what we say (and how we say it), how we treat "our elders," and even how men and women treat each other.

Many people in my age group grew up on reruns of I Love Lucy and Leave it to Beaver, and how fun was it to make snide comments about June Cleaver doing housework wearing a pearl necklace, or Eddie Haskell's over the top manners when talking with adults? How often did I ridicule Lucy as she fretted and worried about what Ricky would do when he discovered her overspending her "allowance?"

There were many times as I watched these movies and shows that I wondered why people changed their clothes so often, and why there were house-clothes, shopping clothes and evening attire. In the movies of the 1940s in particular, hats, gloves and shoes always matched the dress or suit and goodness knows one wouldn't want to be seen in public (even going shopping) wearing jeans or work clothes. As a child it seemed to me that people changed their clothes way too often, with no apparent reason, unless it was some status thing or just showing off. But even that did not make sense, really, because the idea of changing clothes depending on what one was doing was not particular to any class on the social ladder. Lower and middle class people had their "Sunday-Go-To-Meeting" attire, their work clothes; children had play clothes, and it was a matter of pride to be able to be seen in a new outfit (even if it was "new to you").

Then came the 1960s. Gone went hats and gloves. Gone went personal appearance. Men (and women) cast aside suits and dress clothes even while attending sporting events -- replacing them with shorts, sandals, sneakers. and the like. Girls and women began wearing pants not only when doing physical work, but they didn't even bother to change clothes to go shopping, visit friends or even go to church. Heck, I distinctly remember tagging along to the grocery store with my Mom and running into her friends who had covered their curler imprisoned hair with scarves -- which obviously did not do its job if I could see the pink rollers popping out from undercover!

The "pleases and thank yous", the "yes, Sirs,"  the asking to be excused from the dinner table -- all of those little nuances of courtesy and manners which were very much a part of daily life were tossed out to be replaced by the abrupt "Huh?" or "Yeah" whether you were a parent, teacher or your peers; not to mention just bolting from a family dinner table (if the family even ate at a table and not in front of the television) without even so much as a "thanks."

The only reasons I can think as to why this happened may be because that by not using them, it showed that we (as a society) were not bound by those actions that might reflect a difference in class or status.  It could also be that parents of the next generation were too busy (or lazy) to instill these small measures of etiquette into their children. Succeeding generations, not having the benefit of such schooling, have no clue what it means to have manners. The unfortunate thing is that in discarding manners we have also discarded the very thing that held us together: a sense of mutual respect.

Think about it. How often are we affronted when someone pushes ahead of us in line, be it at a store, at a business or an event? How many quarrels and outright fights break out because someone grabbed that electronic device, computer game or even a sweater on the discount rack even though we "clearly" had possession of said item? Worse yet, how many times are we personally disgusted when we happen to see someone cramming a Big Mac in their mouth in an attempt to consume it before the traffic light changes and they have to drive on...or getting that last slurp through a straw when there is absolutely nothing but air and ice left in the cup? What is worse is that this seems to be the norm in society and I am more and more convinced that this is not for the better. Who really cares who I hurt as long as I get that 100-inch TV before that guy? What does it matter if I look and sound like a barnyard animal while eating?

I attended a bridal shower a few months ago, and most recently a baby shower (not for the same couple). It amazed me to see the other guests in attendance wearing jeans, tee shirts, sweat pants and sweatshirts. Again, I was appalled. June Cleaver, Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz I am certain would share my reaction. Would they show up for Bridge Club or a school event with their hair tied up in a scarf, in the very clothes they wore while vacuuming or cleaning windows or washing dishes? Perish the thought! It was a matter of pride, sure, that they appear in public dressed and behaving beyond reproach (or arrest), but it also a reflection of how much they respected where they were going and who they would be seeing.

The very nice ladies who opened their homes for the bridal and baby showers spent a great deal of time and effort in decorating the venue, providing wonderful refreshments and entertainment for the guest of honor as well as those in attendance. At the very least, should we not show some small amount of respect for them by going to a little effort to dress better than if we were prepared to clean the toilet? I certainly think so, and, while still a struggle, I have made sure that Jeannine is learning this as well.

For my part, I think this is why I enjoy old movies. In them I can be transported to a time and place where respect for others began and ended with civility whether expressed in words or actions. The most despicable character in a movie or TV show (think Eddie Haskell) still shows the value of courtesy in spite of the viewer's overwhelming desire smack him.

So what it is worth: I am going to continue to be aware of opportunities to show respect for my family, friends and colleagues by using courtesy and manners in my daily activities. I will respect those who come to my home on social occasions by not only putting effort into seeing to their enjoyment of the atmosphere, but also let them know that I appreciate them as gracious and valued people by showing them proper respect in my own attire and manners. I guess I now have to figure out a way to get Jeannine on board.....maybe we'll start by watching some old movies.